I’m not one to dwell on the negative, but this topic comes up a lot in the grief space. In fact, people are so afraid of saying the wrong thing, that they often end up saying nothing (igniting a rift of resentment that can be hard to overcome).
So in the safety of this little chat, let’s just put it out there.
What is the worst thing someone has said to you in your grief?
The point of this isn’t to call anyone out or to point out how shitty we are at grief support. We are all human and will inevitably say the wrong thing. The point is to help guide us all. It’s to highlight common platitudes that have become routine responses (but really aren’t all that helpful and are sometimes even hurtful).
This isn’t a hard and fast list of rules. Those don’t exist. Grief is personal and unique and what may be hurtful for one person is helpful for another. If anything, I hope this list helps us all think about both the intention behind our words and the impact of those words on someone grieving.
In the comments, tell us the worst thing someone can say to someone grieving so that we can all be a little better moving forward.
I think any sentence that starts with “At least…” should never be said out loud to a griever. I had someone say “At least you got to experience that kind of love” at my husband’s celebration of life. The same person said “I know he’d want you to eventually move on and be happy again.” Please don’t tell me what my husband would or would not want. A) I know him better than anyone, and B) He wouldn’t want me suffering for the rest of my life, but I’m pretty sure he’d want me to be appropriately sad forever like he would be.
Luckily, no one has actually said this to me, but I’d also recommend saying anything about the person being in a better place now. It can feel like assumptions about someone else’s belief system…but most importantly, when you’ve lost someone you love, there’s no “better place” for them to be than still here with you. Just my $0.02 on that very common platitude.
I wouldn’t put this in the category of the worst things someone could say, but I really don’t love being told how strong I am. And I know that’s something that doesn’t bother other grievers, so I think it’s an individual thing and people can feel different ways about that phrase. For me, it makes me feel like the subtext is that I have to be strong all the time, that I have a choice in any of this, and it also makes me feel “othered” — like “you’re so strong in a way that I don’t have to be because this tragic thing you’re navigating isn’t my life.” I obviously know that no one means any of those things when they say that and it DOES take a lot of strength to keep going after loss…I just don’t like that phrase. I much prefer “courageous” or “brave” because I do feel like those qualities involve more choice than “being strong.”
I agree with these completely. And also hate being called strong - we are doing what we have to do survive and sometimes that's not being "strong." When we are applauded for our strength it also makes me feel like I can't show the other facets of grief.
A few months after my husband died, at 32, 6 months after we got married… I was getting my hair done by a new to me stylist, and when she heard about my loss, she asks “well, how old are you?” And when I replied that I was 30, she says “you’re young though, you have time to meet somebody else.” I know her intention was to try to offer some sort of “reassuring” perspective but it really hit home how ill prepared our society is to respond to grief, how little awareness we have of what it means to lose a loved one and to grieve them, and that people are not replaceable, that finding someone new doesn’t take the grief and heartbreak away.
I totally relate to this, and how messed up it is society thinks we can just replace our person and carry on. Someone really close to us told me like days after my husband died how she was thinking oh now I’d have the chance to have kids with someone else. Not helpful!
(I also put off going for a haircut for a year because I was so wary of the small talk that would happen in that chair!)
I quit my hairstylist for this very reason. I'd been seeing her for a decade and couldn't bear the thought of sitting in her chair, having small talk, and inevitably telling this stranger/not stranger that Brad died.
It's hard for me to know what the "worst" thing someone said to me was because there were so many things that left a bad taste in my mouth. But I had a similar situation as above from my attorney who was handling my husband's crash. Two days after my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly while at rehab, my attorney called to offer his condolences. He said, "Don't worry, you're young; you'll find love again." Two DAYS...WTF? He's lucky he was on the phone because if it was in person, I might have reached out to grab his throat.
"Everything Happens for a Reason" or "God has a plan." Even if you truly believe these sentiments, I find them truly infuriating when something bad happens, especially an untimely or traumatic death of a loved one. I try to always give people grace because no one knows what to say in many of these situations.
I wonder who started "everything happens for a reason" as a "helpful" response and how it caught on. How do people actually think that's helpful to hear??
“Oh, wasn’t that over two years ago?” AS IF grief has an expiration date 📆🤦🏻♀️
But honestly, most people I know ask others, “Let me know if you need anything.” And I have redirected them to say, “Don’t ask. Just see what needs to be done and do it. Beat someone to the punch and get it done: money, food, house chores, coffee dates, invites to parties, etc.” Don’t ask, DO.
100 percent agree. When people say "let me know what you need" I don't know if you are offering a trip to Hawaii or pizza tomorrow night. Do what you can. Mow the yard.
"there's worse things than death!" Bit of a random thing to say when the person you lost was very active/healthy in many ways and also only 26 years old. Or honestly when they compare your extremely close loss (in my case it was my partner of 9 years) to them losing an aunt or something. That really annoyed me.
I felt like screaming when someone said, you’ll move on. I don’t want to move on, I want my husband back.
It took me a long time to wrap my head around the concept of moving forward with my grief, it would have been so much easier to just wallow in it forever.
But I give people grace, I while I had lost grandparents that I was heartbroken about, losing my husband was so much more and so much worse than I could have ever imagined. So, until someone has experienced this type of loss, the just don't get it.
When my husband was very sick, he got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. He fell in the bathroom hitting his head and bleeding out in front of me. The next morning his hospice nurse called to express her condolences and said that when she saw him the day before and he was ready to die. To which I replied that may be so, but I wanted more for him than to bleed out on the bathroom floor. To this day, it seems like a heartless thing to say.
Hospice nurses get training…and there are social workers available for staff to ask questions, but whether this nurse bothered to learn anything about how to talk to someone grieving…
Yes, this is tough and I have delayed a card to a neighbor because of it. The card I have is not a traditional grief card. It is a picture of a dog on the front (same kind she has) that says, "When the going gets ruff.... and then inside, "know that you are surrounded by love and wrapped in a hug." I don't know the widow that well even though she has lived down my street for 20 years, sad I know. I would like to get to know her better and to let her know that we care and are here so I said so far. "Doug and I were so sorry to hear of your loss". Thinking of, "I would love to have you over for tea or go out to lunch together when you are ready. Please know we are here if you need anything."
1. I love the card. Perfect. 2. I love the offer for tea or lunch. Spot on. 3. "please know we are here," while a nice sentiment, will probably not result in her asking for help. Because it's hard to know what you need when you are grieving. What you need is people. I would limit it to an offer of lunch or tea, but also set a date. "Would next Tuesday work for tea?" is concrete, and does not put the onus on her to make the call. If she says no, give it two weeks and ask her again.
I think the worst thing someone has ever said to me (so far) after I told my friend Mr. J was diagnosed with a degenerative brain disease, and that he would slowly lose his mind and eventually die from it, was, "Well, we all gotta die somehow!"
This still makes my stomach hurt to think about. Shortly after my husband passed (which was a rapid decline at the end that surprised drs etc) I was sharing with someone how he would be disappointed that he didn’t get more time, that there were things that mattered to him that he didn’t get to do, and this person said, “no he’s not disappointed now. He’s in heaven.” And that was not helpful. I don’t even have words 1 year and half later… don’t tell me he’s not disappointed. Let him have his disappointment. Let me have his disappointment. Don’t tell me, his grieving wife that for him it all worked out.
Oooh this boils my blood. The matter-of-factness about it, the "no," all of it. If your husband was anything like mine, he'd be pissed not to have had more time.
I volunteer with our hospital foundation. I recently worked with another volunteer for the first time and she quickly revealed to me that she had lost her husband in November to brain cancer and was just starting to baby step back into volunteering. I told her how sorry I was and that my husband had died a few years ago. We shared a nice moment and a good hug and then she asked how he died. I told her: suicide. She then asked if we had any kids and I told her one and I told her how sad it made me that my son would never know his dad. Her response was "or maybe it's a good thing". I quickly told her that it was not a good thing, that my husband was my best friend, a wonderful person and would have been an incredible dad. Besides that terrible comment, this lady was so nice and I really enjoyed working with her and my heart just went out to her. But all that said, DAMN that comment HURT. I hadn't told anyone at the foundation that I'm a widow because I hate sharing how my husband died. My experience is that people don't know how to respond and therefore avoid me and the potential awkward conversation, and also that as soon as people learn that he died by suicide, they default to their own preconceived judgements rather than any curiosity about who my husband was or what our relationship was like.
Gah I’m so sorry you understand this too ❤️ I lost my husband the same way and very similarly hate telling people and seeing how they put their own judgements in there, failing to see what a wonderful man he was and how I’m devastated to be without my best friend.
I'm so sorry this was her response. It just shows that even people who know loss still tend to get it wrong (and in this case, so very wrong). That comment must have been so hurtful and shows how much work we still need to do, especially surrounding more stigmatized losses.
I don’t think anyone who has never experienced a devastating loss of any kind should say anything about “moving on”, “timeline”, or tell you how they would handle grief/loss!! You do not have the right to tell me what I should or shouldn’t be doing if you have not walked in my shoes.
I had a friend of 20 years tell me at the 3 year mark of my husband dying that it was weird and not normal to still be grievIng the way I was. That I was too quiet now and she doesn’t know anyone quiet. That she couldn’t sit with me in my grief anymore. That I was dealt a shitty hand but it was past time to move on….to which i not so politely told her to fuck off and ended the friendship…
After honestly sharing that I found life difficult since losing my partner, a friend told me : “Maybe you’d feel better if you’d symbolically put an end to your relationship with him.”
After honestly sharing my grief of not having children with my dead partner to a family member, she told me that “I could still have children one day”.
In both cases the person *asked me the question*. They asked me to share my feelings. I don’t know what they expected (maybe they expected me to lie and say that I’m fine…) but clearly my answer made them feel uncomfortable and they suddenly felt the urge to recommend a magic solution that could make me feel better about the recent death of my 34 yo partner, as if my love for him was so easily erasable and replaceable.
WHAT? "Symbolically put an end to your relationship with him"??? What does that even mean?? I'm genuinely curious how she thinks that would help you "feel better."
I was at my husband’s visitation, and one of the supervisors from my husband’s job came up to me and said that to me. I didn’t handle the comment well. I said “That’s not true. The better place for Mike is to be healthy and alive and with me.” The guy freaked out and quickly walked away. I didn’t know his name but after he left, I felt bad about what I’d said. I’m not usually rude like that. I was grieving, yes, but just before the man spoke to me, a member of Mike’s family said something to me that was very hurtful to me. Instead of taking a breath or maybe leaving the room and going outside for a few minutes, I took my aggravation on someone else.
That’s not to say that “He’s in a better place” is a proper thing to say to anyone grieving, it’s not. How can anyone presume to ‘know’ for sure that there IS a better place? And, what if the person who hears this is not a believer in any religion? What if that person has struggled with ‘religion’ and found that following a ‘religion’ hurt more than it’s helped?
I know we as a society, have not been taught what to say vs. what to not say, but in a way, I think that’s a cop-out. I think all it takes is a little thinking….’What would I want someone to say to me in this situation?’ Would you really want someone to say to you, “He’s in a better place” or, “He’d want you to move on and be happy”. Really?
I'm proud of you for saying something. Even if it wasn't in a way you are proud of, hopefully he learned that maybe that isn't a helpful thing to say to someone.
And you make such a good point - if people took 30 seconds to really empathize and imagine being in our shoes, what would they want to hear? What would provide comfort?
I met my future mother-in-law for the first time a couple weeks after losing my mom to suicide. She compared it to her dog dying. Honestly, I've never gotten over it.
8 months after my SIL’s tragic sudden death a friend of hers told my brother he needed to have a funeral as she and others needed it. RUFKM you thought telling a grieving husband, who is now a single father, who had to retire early as raising his 14 year old son is the most important job, that he should have a funeral. Why does someone think they have any right to say that!
“This is all part of God’s plan.” is not the worst thing someone said but Lora B. has already noted the worst thing - any sentence that begins “At least…”
I figured I would followup with a loaded and confusing, frustrating one. Somehow it was supposed to make me feel a bigger purpose (I suppose) even though I felt that the person’s life WAS the purpose. I get that it’s helpful to them but always found it hard and more complicated than helpful.
Yeah, and also a tricky one if you don't know their religious beliefs (and even if you THINK you know their beliefs, death often has people questioning them). Plus, with someone like Brad (humble brag), he had so much fucking purpose and it was all cut short. Saying it's part of any plan just feels cruel.
Was he non-responsive? Did he know what was going on?
You are still good looking enough to get another husband.
And I wrote a lengthy piece that I posted & deleted on sympathy cards. Also, I received a letter about my husband getting to spend Christmas in heaven with Jesus. Which was the first word out of my mouth after reading it. I just cannot begin to emphasize enough to choose wisely if you are going to send someone a sympathy card. The ones I send now simply say: I’m so sorry for your loss.
The sympathy cards can be so tricky - there's so many terrible ones out there. The one you received reminds me of the "he's in a better place" platitude, which isn't helpful to many of us.
I completely understand that not everyone is open to finding love again or wants to find love again, but implying you dating means you loved your husband less is so hurtful. Not to mention, there is a difference in a divorce and a death.
I’ve been a massage therapist for 22+ yrs but it took awhile after the death of my only child (by suicide) to return to my work, I was so devastated, and I both could not be in such a vulnerable 1:1 space with people nor could I effectively hold space for them. When I finally felt ready, I had a bunch of new people suddenly wanting to come see me, for which I was grateful— as an established LMT for well over a decade at that point, it was a welcome change of pace and I didn’t question it. But very shortly after reopening, a new client came and I gave her a massage and right near the end, when she was supine (face up) and I was massaging her feet, she sat up, looked me right in the eye, and asked me “how did he do it?”. She had the creepiest look on her face when she asked, like her eyes were alight and there was a quiver of a smile— I remember it clearly because it haunts me to this day. Somehow, I was a consummate professional and finished the session even though my voice was shaking and I was instantly nauseas. I burst into sobs or flames—I’m not even sure which tbh, the moment she left.
I was— I am still— shocked, horrified, disgusted, repulsed, dismayed, & deeply traumatized by the experience, which had me question whether I actually could ever give another massage—or even risk being out in public again. She never tried to book again, which affirmed for me that she was never there for the bodywork to begin with.
Reading this breaks my heart - I can only imagine the pain and horror of being asked this, in this context. It always shocks me when I learn how horrible some people can be. Just so insanely offensive. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
The worst thing someone said to me was, maybe God didn’t want him to suffer, my husband had melanoma, stage III, he then was killed at his job by someone who didn’t Move Over. Umm, which part didn’t God want to happen? I actually said, “ that makes no sense” the person didn’t reply.
Are some of the worstest things that have been told to me, especially all these were told when I was deep in depression,I wanted to die every day, and this person didn't care about me when I bawled my eyes out, because I couldn't take all this pain, even though I was trying my best in my sadness to make sure has the best reflection of me on her. I had 9 of my friends leave me just because I scored more than them in my exam , and this killed me because later after our friendship had ended,they use to bully me everyday , calling me names , laughing at me, these people whom I meant as my Friends, I was there for them when they needed me the most, and still they treat me like trash.
Maybe we should have a book with 'how to respond' -so many times I've wanted to kick people in the shins but I'm usually genuinely shocked so I just say nothing. Wish I had a pocket full of great responses (my husband died nearly 12 years ago and I still hear horrible things).
The two things that drove me nuts, and honestly still do, are grief jumping and anything religious. Let me explain.
The jumping thing, where someone would ask how are you and then without hesitation, proceed to tell me how they lost something, vomit out their grief, and then end the conversation without giving me any time to even talk. I eventually just tuned them out, just a head nod or uh huh and hope it ended quickly.
The religion thing for me is hard to deal with. If it brings you comfort, good, I'm glad you find that. But please don't force it on me. My brain spirals way out of control when people give me that. My wife had lots of chronic health conditions, but didn't directly cause her passing. The bits about god ending suffering or having a plan just don't add up when she had a life of suffering. It's a subject ill probably never be able to accept without getting angry. Not to mention, I'm a spoonie myself.
There were lots of little quips I'd like to smack people for, but a few years in, I've forgotten most of that.
I don’t have an exact statement, but even now, nearly four years later, I struggle when people try to spin the “God’s bigger plan” concept. I do have a wonderful life now that I love & his death was a crap deal.
I think any sentence that starts with “At least…” should never be said out loud to a griever. I had someone say “At least you got to experience that kind of love” at my husband’s celebration of life. The same person said “I know he’d want you to eventually move on and be happy again.” Please don’t tell me what my husband would or would not want. A) I know him better than anyone, and B) He wouldn’t want me suffering for the rest of my life, but I’m pretty sure he’d want me to be appropriately sad forever like he would be.
Luckily, no one has actually said this to me, but I’d also recommend saying anything about the person being in a better place now. It can feel like assumptions about someone else’s belief system…but most importantly, when you’ve lost someone you love, there’s no “better place” for them to be than still here with you. Just my $0.02 on that very common platitude.
I wouldn’t put this in the category of the worst things someone could say, but I really don’t love being told how strong I am. And I know that’s something that doesn’t bother other grievers, so I think it’s an individual thing and people can feel different ways about that phrase. For me, it makes me feel like the subtext is that I have to be strong all the time, that I have a choice in any of this, and it also makes me feel “othered” — like “you’re so strong in a way that I don’t have to be because this tragic thing you’re navigating isn’t my life.” I obviously know that no one means any of those things when they say that and it DOES take a lot of strength to keep going after loss…I just don’t like that phrase. I much prefer “courageous” or “brave” because I do feel like those qualities involve more choice than “being strong.”
I agree with these completely. And also hate being called strong - we are doing what we have to do survive and sometimes that's not being "strong." When we are applauded for our strength it also makes me feel like I can't show the other facets of grief.
A few months after my husband died, at 32, 6 months after we got married… I was getting my hair done by a new to me stylist, and when she heard about my loss, she asks “well, how old are you?” And when I replied that I was 30, she says “you’re young though, you have time to meet somebody else.” I know her intention was to try to offer some sort of “reassuring” perspective but it really hit home how ill prepared our society is to respond to grief, how little awareness we have of what it means to lose a loved one and to grieve them, and that people are not replaceable, that finding someone new doesn’t take the grief and heartbreak away.
I totally relate to this, and how messed up it is society thinks we can just replace our person and carry on. Someone really close to us told me like days after my husband died how she was thinking oh now I’d have the chance to have kids with someone else. Not helpful!
(I also put off going for a haircut for a year because I was so wary of the small talk that would happen in that chair!)
I quit my hairstylist for this very reason. I'd been seeing her for a decade and couldn't bear the thought of sitting in her chair, having small talk, and inevitably telling this stranger/not stranger that Brad died.
Yep, I've gotten that one too. And you're so right - people aren't replaceable and new love doesn't remove the previous love (or grief).
It's hard for me to know what the "worst" thing someone said to me was because there were so many things that left a bad taste in my mouth. But I had a similar situation as above from my attorney who was handling my husband's crash. Two days after my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly while at rehab, my attorney called to offer his condolences. He said, "Don't worry, you're young; you'll find love again." Two DAYS...WTF? He's lucky he was on the phone because if it was in person, I might have reached out to grab his throat.
"Everything Happens for a Reason" or "God has a plan." Even if you truly believe these sentiments, I find them truly infuriating when something bad happens, especially an untimely or traumatic death of a loved one. I try to always give people grace because no one knows what to say in many of these situations.
I wonder who started "everything happens for a reason" as a "helpful" response and how it caught on. How do people actually think that's helpful to hear??
https://emandfriends.com/products/everything-happens-for-a-reason-card
“Oh, wasn’t that over two years ago?” AS IF grief has an expiration date 📆🤦🏻♀️
But honestly, most people I know ask others, “Let me know if you need anything.” And I have redirected them to say, “Don’t ask. Just see what needs to be done and do it. Beat someone to the punch and get it done: money, food, house chores, coffee dates, invites to parties, etc.” Don’t ask, DO.
100 percent agree. When people say "let me know what you need" I don't know if you are offering a trip to Hawaii or pizza tomorrow night. Do what you can. Mow the yard.
"Don't ask, do." Someone write that book.
"there's worse things than death!" Bit of a random thing to say when the person you lost was very active/healthy in many ways and also only 26 years old. Or honestly when they compare your extremely close loss (in my case it was my partner of 9 years) to them losing an aunt or something. That really annoyed me.
ummmm.... what is worse than the traumatic death of your 26 year old spouse?
I felt like screaming when someone said, you’ll move on. I don’t want to move on, I want my husband back.
It took me a long time to wrap my head around the concept of moving forward with my grief, it would have been so much easier to just wallow in it forever.
But I give people grace, I while I had lost grandparents that I was heartbroken about, losing my husband was so much more and so much worse than I could have ever imagined. So, until someone has experienced this type of loss, the just don't get it.
Someone recently said to me, "I'm so glad you've moved on" and it had my blood boiling.
For anyone who hasn't seen this, here's an excellent Ted Talk from Nora McInerny about why this is upsetting:
https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it?language=en
When my husband was very sick, he got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. He fell in the bathroom hitting his head and bleeding out in front of me. The next morning his hospice nurse called to express her condolences and said that when she saw him the day before and he was ready to die. To which I replied that may be so, but I wanted more for him than to bleed out on the bathroom floor. To this day, it seems like a heartless thing to say.
Completely heartless. I'm so sorry that was her response - I feel like a hospice nurse should know better...
Hospice nurses get training…and there are social workers available for staff to ask questions, but whether this nurse bothered to learn anything about how to talk to someone grieving…
Yes, this is tough and I have delayed a card to a neighbor because of it. The card I have is not a traditional grief card. It is a picture of a dog on the front (same kind she has) that says, "When the going gets ruff.... and then inside, "know that you are surrounded by love and wrapped in a hug." I don't know the widow that well even though she has lived down my street for 20 years, sad I know. I would like to get to know her better and to let her know that we care and are here so I said so far. "Doug and I were so sorry to hear of your loss". Thinking of, "I would love to have you over for tea or go out to lunch together when you are ready. Please know we are here if you need anything."
Lisa, if you are looking for feedback, I have some thoughts on this note. But I'm not going to launch into it unless you are looking for feedback.
Yes, of course I would like feedback, thank you.
1. I love the card. Perfect. 2. I love the offer for tea or lunch. Spot on. 3. "please know we are here," while a nice sentiment, will probably not result in her asking for help. Because it's hard to know what you need when you are grieving. What you need is people. I would limit it to an offer of lunch or tea, but also set a date. "Would next Tuesday work for tea?" is concrete, and does not put the onus on her to make the call. If she says no, give it two weeks and ask her again.
Thank you, great advice!
“You’ll meet someone.” Hated it in the moment, still hate it
Yep, hate hate hate this. Not helpful.
I think the worst thing someone has ever said to me (so far) after I told my friend Mr. J was diagnosed with a degenerative brain disease, and that he would slowly lose his mind and eventually die from it, was, "Well, we all gotta die somehow!"
wow, this is so insensitive and unempathetic.
A coarser version of “We are all dying, we just don’t know how or when.” Such a dumb thing to say.
"You could be hit by a bus tomorrow!"
Also dumb.
This still makes my stomach hurt to think about. Shortly after my husband passed (which was a rapid decline at the end that surprised drs etc) I was sharing with someone how he would be disappointed that he didn’t get more time, that there were things that mattered to him that he didn’t get to do, and this person said, “no he’s not disappointed now. He’s in heaven.” And that was not helpful. I don’t even have words 1 year and half later… don’t tell me he’s not disappointed. Let him have his disappointment. Let me have his disappointment. Don’t tell me, his grieving wife that for him it all worked out.
Oooh this boils my blood. The matter-of-factness about it, the "no," all of it. If your husband was anything like mine, he'd be pissed not to have had more time.
I volunteer with our hospital foundation. I recently worked with another volunteer for the first time and she quickly revealed to me that she had lost her husband in November to brain cancer and was just starting to baby step back into volunteering. I told her how sorry I was and that my husband had died a few years ago. We shared a nice moment and a good hug and then she asked how he died. I told her: suicide. She then asked if we had any kids and I told her one and I told her how sad it made me that my son would never know his dad. Her response was "or maybe it's a good thing". I quickly told her that it was not a good thing, that my husband was my best friend, a wonderful person and would have been an incredible dad. Besides that terrible comment, this lady was so nice and I really enjoyed working with her and my heart just went out to her. But all that said, DAMN that comment HURT. I hadn't told anyone at the foundation that I'm a widow because I hate sharing how my husband died. My experience is that people don't know how to respond and therefore avoid me and the potential awkward conversation, and also that as soon as people learn that he died by suicide, they default to their own preconceived judgements rather than any curiosity about who my husband was or what our relationship was like.
Gah I’m so sorry you understand this too ❤️ I lost my husband the same way and very similarly hate telling people and seeing how they put their own judgements in there, failing to see what a wonderful man he was and how I’m devastated to be without my best friend.
I'm so sorry this was her response. It just shows that even people who know loss still tend to get it wrong (and in this case, so very wrong). That comment must have been so hurtful and shows how much work we still need to do, especially surrounding more stigmatized losses.
I don’t think anyone who has never experienced a devastating loss of any kind should say anything about “moving on”, “timeline”, or tell you how they would handle grief/loss!! You do not have the right to tell me what I should or shouldn’t be doing if you have not walked in my shoes.
I had a friend of 20 years tell me at the 3 year mark of my husband dying that it was weird and not normal to still be grievIng the way I was. That I was too quiet now and she doesn’t know anyone quiet. That she couldn’t sit with me in my grief anymore. That I was dealt a shitty hand but it was past time to move on….to which i not so politely told her to fuck off and ended the friendship…
Wow, what a "friend." And I agree, if you haven't been through it, maybe don't offer advice on how you're grieving.
After honestly sharing that I found life difficult since losing my partner, a friend told me : “Maybe you’d feel better if you’d symbolically put an end to your relationship with him.”
After honestly sharing my grief of not having children with my dead partner to a family member, she told me that “I could still have children one day”.
In both cases the person *asked me the question*. They asked me to share my feelings. I don’t know what they expected (maybe they expected me to lie and say that I’m fine…) but clearly my answer made them feel uncomfortable and they suddenly felt the urge to recommend a magic solution that could make me feel better about the recent death of my 34 yo partner, as if my love for him was so easily erasable and replaceable.
WHAT? "Symbolically put an end to your relationship with him"??? What does that even mean?? I'm genuinely curious how she thinks that would help you "feel better."
When my mother died at 80, a colleague at work said,”I’m so sorry, was it expected?”
As if that would make it easier??
Right? Our society is grief averse so people say dumb things.
“He’s in a better place.”
I was at my husband’s visitation, and one of the supervisors from my husband’s job came up to me and said that to me. I didn’t handle the comment well. I said “That’s not true. The better place for Mike is to be healthy and alive and with me.” The guy freaked out and quickly walked away. I didn’t know his name but after he left, I felt bad about what I’d said. I’m not usually rude like that. I was grieving, yes, but just before the man spoke to me, a member of Mike’s family said something to me that was very hurtful to me. Instead of taking a breath or maybe leaving the room and going outside for a few minutes, I took my aggravation on someone else.
That’s not to say that “He’s in a better place” is a proper thing to say to anyone grieving, it’s not. How can anyone presume to ‘know’ for sure that there IS a better place? And, what if the person who hears this is not a believer in any religion? What if that person has struggled with ‘religion’ and found that following a ‘religion’ hurt more than it’s helped?
I know we as a society, have not been taught what to say vs. what to not say, but in a way, I think that’s a cop-out. I think all it takes is a little thinking….’What would I want someone to say to me in this situation?’ Would you really want someone to say to you, “He’s in a better place” or, “He’d want you to move on and be happy”. Really?
I'm proud of you for saying something. Even if it wasn't in a way you are proud of, hopefully he learned that maybe that isn't a helpful thing to say to someone.
And you make such a good point - if people took 30 seconds to really empathize and imagine being in our shoes, what would they want to hear? What would provide comfort?
I met my future mother-in-law for the first time a couple weeks after losing my mom to suicide. She compared it to her dog dying. Honestly, I've never gotten over it.
I’m sorry that she said that to you. That’s cruel. You didn’t deserve that. I think honestly, I would have told her exactly how bad that comment is.
Oh no. no no no. This is so insensitive and I'm so sorry she said that to you.
8 months after my SIL’s tragic sudden death a friend of hers told my brother he needed to have a funeral as she and others needed it. RUFKM you thought telling a grieving husband, who is now a single father, who had to retire early as raising his 14 year old son is the most important job, that he should have a funeral. Why does someone think they have any right to say that!
Things to avoid completely: telling other people what they "need."
I’d tell her, “You’ll have to pay for it, I can’t afford it!” The nerve of some people. Jeez.
“This is all part of God’s plan.” is not the worst thing someone said but Lora B. has already noted the worst thing - any sentence that begins “At least…”
I figured I would followup with a loaded and confusing, frustrating one. Somehow it was supposed to make me feel a bigger purpose (I suppose) even though I felt that the person’s life WAS the purpose. I get that it’s helpful to them but always found it hard and more complicated than helpful.
Yeah, and also a tricky one if you don't know their religious beliefs (and even if you THINK you know their beliefs, death often has people questioning them). Plus, with someone like Brad (humble brag), he had so much fucking purpose and it was all cut short. Saying it's part of any plan just feels cruel.
The worst things verbally said:
Was he non-responsive? Did he know what was going on?
You are still good looking enough to get another husband.
And I wrote a lengthy piece that I posted & deleted on sympathy cards. Also, I received a letter about my husband getting to spend Christmas in heaven with Jesus. Which was the first word out of my mouth after reading it. I just cannot begin to emphasize enough to choose wisely if you are going to send someone a sympathy card. The ones I send now simply say: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Shea said it best. Don’t ask. DO.
Take the actions. Show up. Contribute. Help.
And continue. Because grief continues forever.
The sympathy cards can be so tricky - there's so many terrible ones out there. The one you received reminds me of the "he's in a better place" platitude, which isn't helpful to many of us.
I was telling an older, divorced friend that I was going to start dating…her response was:
“Yeah…I can’t date. I really loved my husband”
The insinuation that I DIDN’T live my husband was enough for me. I had to put some distance between myself and that friend in order to protect myself.
I completely understand that not everyone is open to finding love again or wants to find love again, but implying you dating means you loved your husband less is so hurtful. Not to mention, there is a difference in a divorce and a death.
I’ve been a massage therapist for 22+ yrs but it took awhile after the death of my only child (by suicide) to return to my work, I was so devastated, and I both could not be in such a vulnerable 1:1 space with people nor could I effectively hold space for them. When I finally felt ready, I had a bunch of new people suddenly wanting to come see me, for which I was grateful— as an established LMT for well over a decade at that point, it was a welcome change of pace and I didn’t question it. But very shortly after reopening, a new client came and I gave her a massage and right near the end, when she was supine (face up) and I was massaging her feet, she sat up, looked me right in the eye, and asked me “how did he do it?”. She had the creepiest look on her face when she asked, like her eyes were alight and there was a quiver of a smile— I remember it clearly because it haunts me to this day. Somehow, I was a consummate professional and finished the session even though my voice was shaking and I was instantly nauseas. I burst into sobs or flames—I’m not even sure which tbh, the moment she left.
I was— I am still— shocked, horrified, disgusted, repulsed, dismayed, & deeply traumatized by the experience, which had me question whether I actually could ever give another massage—or even risk being out in public again. She never tried to book again, which affirmed for me that she was never there for the bodywork to begin with.
Reading this breaks my heart - I can only imagine the pain and horror of being asked this, in this context. It always shocks me when I learn how horrible some people can be. Just so insanely offensive. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Oh Christina, that makes me feel sick to my stomach just reading about it. I can't imagine how you got through in the moment. 💔💔
The worst thing someone said to me was, maybe God didn’t want him to suffer, my husband had melanoma, stage III, he then was killed at his job by someone who didn’t Move Over. Umm, which part didn’t God want to happen? I actually said, “ that makes no sense” the person didn’t reply.
I'm so sorry this was said to you and glad you spoke up - hopefully this person will avoid saying things like that in the future.
Thank you Dana.
1. You don't match my vibe
2. I only used them
3. I distanced myself from you
4. I'm not helpful
Are some of the worstest things that have been told to me, especially all these were told when I was deep in depression,I wanted to die every day, and this person didn't care about me when I bawled my eyes out, because I couldn't take all this pain, even though I was trying my best in my sadness to make sure has the best reflection of me on her. I had 9 of my friends leave me just because I scored more than them in my exam , and this killed me because later after our friendship had ended,they use to bully me everyday , calling me names , laughing at me, these people whom I meant as my Friends, I was there for them when they needed me the most, and still they treat me like trash.
Maybe we should have a book with 'how to respond' -so many times I've wanted to kick people in the shins but I'm usually genuinely shocked so I just say nothing. Wish I had a pocket full of great responses (my husband died nearly 12 years ago and I still hear horrible things).
The two things that drove me nuts, and honestly still do, are grief jumping and anything religious. Let me explain.
The jumping thing, where someone would ask how are you and then without hesitation, proceed to tell me how they lost something, vomit out their grief, and then end the conversation without giving me any time to even talk. I eventually just tuned them out, just a head nod or uh huh and hope it ended quickly.
The religion thing for me is hard to deal with. If it brings you comfort, good, I'm glad you find that. But please don't force it on me. My brain spirals way out of control when people give me that. My wife had lots of chronic health conditions, but didn't directly cause her passing. The bits about god ending suffering or having a plan just don't add up when she had a life of suffering. It's a subject ill probably never be able to accept without getting angry. Not to mention, I'm a spoonie myself.
There were lots of little quips I'd like to smack people for, but a few years in, I've forgotten most of that.
I don’t have an exact statement, but even now, nearly four years later, I struggle when people try to spin the “God’s bigger plan” concept. I do have a wonderful life now that I love & his death was a crap deal.