I know this is a controversial question. I know. I understand that asking how you care for yourself when your whole world is collapsing on top of you is wholly unfair. I know.
And…
It’s still worthy of discussion. It’s still important, maybe even necessary.
And just because it’s hard or you don’t know how or you feel guilty loving yourself, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. You absolutely should (this is one of the few times I’m going to “should” on you).
If it’s still too hard/triggering/infuriating and you can’t answer for yourself, then answer for your fellow griever. Answer for your friend or your sibling or your child. How might they show themselves love when times are tough?
Sometimes when we are blinded by grief, all we need are a few ideas to bring in a little light. Comment below on ways you are showing yourself love, ways you aspire to show yourself love, or ways others can show themselves love.
This response may not be at all what you were looking for, although I do believe it demonstrates how to love yourself in grief. Feeling powerless after a life-altering loss is so common. One of the ways, I loved myself was by being proactive.
A short story: I had a dental appointment scheduled months before T died. After receiving the appointment reminder, I anticipated the usual pleasantries from the hygienist, “How were your holidays?’; “The family good?”; “Anything new in your life?”, etc. Knowing that I didn’t want to blindside the hygienist by having an emotional breakdown which would leave both of us feeling uncomfortable, I considered my options which included: a) cancelling the appointment; b) hiding my grief and saying, “Everything’s fine.”; or c) finding a way to honor my grief and avoid embarrassment.
I opted for “c” and picked up the phone. Through tears, I explained everything to the receptionist and told her I would appreciate it if she could make a note in my file and inform the hygienist. I also asked her to update my emergency contact. Just doing that reduced quite a bit of anxiety. When I arrived for my appointment, I was greeted with a hug, kind words and no probing questions. Afterwards, I took a moment to acknowledge the courage it took to support myself and the positive outcome.
Melissa, thank you for sharing this. While not the most "traditional" form of self-love, this is so incredibly important. Picking "c" can be such a challenge while grieving (or anytime!) and I love that you had the courage and fortitude to be proactive. Such an important reminder on ways we can love ourselves during the tough moments.
I would just take time away from life for a little bit. When the reality of it all was too crushing, I would simply "disappear" so that I could regain some composure. I work a job where I'm free to manage my own schedule, so if I needed to sleep in, I did. If I just couldn't stand another stupid phone call or text, I'd turn the phone off for an hour or two. I would find silence in my mind by listening to music that was way too loud, its surprising how well that would work. As a people pleaser, choosing me was really hard to do, but an absolute necessity in those moments.
Ooh thank you for this (and hello fellow people pleaser - I'm working on it). I love the idea of just disappearing in tiny little ways to quiet the noise so you could focus on what you need.
Love the idea of taking the reins back - you're so right about constantly being on other's timelines. And I've recently started doing walks without listening to anything and really benefitted by feeling fully present in the walk itself. Thanks so much for sharing, Lisa!
This is super controversial, but should be said out loud.
I eat when I am sad. I try to spend some time chopping all my favourite vegetables and put together a heart warming salad, ramen or my favourite Indian dish Bhelpuri. (A little story behind why Bhelpuri is my favourite, https://monstellar.substack.com/p/turning-older-my-nana-and-bhel-puri).
It's mostly something simple and flavourful, so I can lose myself in the joy of those notes, reminding me that all is not lost and I choose to make it "now" better! It just takes a few more ingredients!
This habit of mine has even gotten out of hand sometimes when I used obsessively drink a lot of coffee. In my caffeine high, I sold myself stories of its origin and how I am a part of that story by merely consuming it.
To be honest, this is a work in progress, I try to identify what I am feeling and not deprive myself at the same time. I guess loving salads really helped before this habit can become super unhealthy.
I am learning everyday by reading how others are dealing with their feelings and grief and it really helps in expanding my choices!
Thank you for sharing and you are not alone in terms of eating when you're sad. We crave comfort in all kinds of ways. And aren't we all works in progress in how we handle our grief?
And thank you for sharing about your grandfather and where you love of Bhelpuri comes from!
This response may not be at all what you were looking for, although I do believe it demonstrates how to love yourself in grief. Feeling powerless after a life-altering loss is so common. One of the ways, I loved myself was by being proactive.
A short story: I had a dental appointment scheduled months before T died. After receiving the appointment reminder, I anticipated the usual pleasantries from the hygienist, “How were your holidays?’; “The family good?”; “Anything new in your life?”, etc. Knowing that I didn’t want to blindside the hygienist by having an emotional breakdown which would leave both of us feeling uncomfortable, I considered my options which included: a) cancelling the appointment; b) hiding my grief and saying, “Everything’s fine.”; or c) finding a way to honor my grief and avoid embarrassment.
I opted for “c” and picked up the phone. Through tears, I explained everything to the receptionist and told her I would appreciate it if she could make a note in my file and inform the hygienist. I also asked her to update my emergency contact. Just doing that reduced quite a bit of anxiety. When I arrived for my appointment, I was greeted with a hug, kind words and no probing questions. Afterwards, I took a moment to acknowledge the courage it took to support myself and the positive outcome.
Melissa, thank you for sharing this. While not the most "traditional" form of self-love, this is so incredibly important. Picking "c" can be such a challenge while grieving (or anytime!) and I love that you had the courage and fortitude to be proactive. Such an important reminder on ways we can love ourselves during the tough moments.
I would just take time away from life for a little bit. When the reality of it all was too crushing, I would simply "disappear" so that I could regain some composure. I work a job where I'm free to manage my own schedule, so if I needed to sleep in, I did. If I just couldn't stand another stupid phone call or text, I'd turn the phone off for an hour or two. I would find silence in my mind by listening to music that was way too loud, its surprising how well that would work. As a people pleaser, choosing me was really hard to do, but an absolute necessity in those moments.
Ooh thank you for this (and hello fellow people pleaser - I'm working on it). I love the idea of just disappearing in tiny little ways to quiet the noise so you could focus on what you need.
Yes, Lisa, to everything you said: long baths were such a respite. I call those first 6 months “the season of baths.”
And also, just doing what I want and feeling how I feel without the need to justify/explain anything
I need a season of baths. This might be my winter season...
My go to has always been taking a long bath.
I also take walks alone, sometimes without listening to anything.
Doing what I want, how and when I want. I think we do things for others, on their timeline for so much of our day that taking the reins back is huge.
Love the idea of taking the reins back - you're so right about constantly being on other's timelines. And I've recently started doing walks without listening to anything and really benefitted by feeling fully present in the walk itself. Thanks so much for sharing, Lisa!
Going to the gym
Meet a friend for coffee/drink
Have a pj morning not feeling guilty for doing nothing
Have a pj morning and NOT feel guilty for doing nothing is so good.
This is super controversial, but should be said out loud.
I eat when I am sad. I try to spend some time chopping all my favourite vegetables and put together a heart warming salad, ramen or my favourite Indian dish Bhelpuri. (A little story behind why Bhelpuri is my favourite, https://monstellar.substack.com/p/turning-older-my-nana-and-bhel-puri).
It's mostly something simple and flavourful, so I can lose myself in the joy of those notes, reminding me that all is not lost and I choose to make it "now" better! It just takes a few more ingredients!
This habit of mine has even gotten out of hand sometimes when I used obsessively drink a lot of coffee. In my caffeine high, I sold myself stories of its origin and how I am a part of that story by merely consuming it.
To be honest, this is a work in progress, I try to identify what I am feeling and not deprive myself at the same time. I guess loving salads really helped before this habit can become super unhealthy.
I am learning everyday by reading how others are dealing with their feelings and grief and it really helps in expanding my choices!
Thank you for sharing and you are not alone in terms of eating when you're sad. We crave comfort in all kinds of ways. And aren't we all works in progress in how we handle our grief?
And thank you for sharing about your grandfather and where you love of Bhelpuri comes from!