Last week we talked about saying no to family gatherings and it got me thinking about traditions: the traditions from my childhood, the traditions Brad and I created, the traditions I have kept since his death, and new traditions that have formed since.
Letting go of holiday traditions has not been easy for me. It felt like letting go of some of the child-like wonders I carried pre-loss - letting go of the innocence. But over the years, the traditions have certainly changed (some forced, others chosen).
As we acknowledge the absent chairs around the table this season, I’m curious, how have your traditions shifted since the loss of someone you love (if at all)*? What are some of your favorite traditions that you continue in their absence? Any you’ve let go of?
*And if you’re here as a not-yet-griever, feel free to chime in with some of your favorite holiday traditions and where they come from.
Holidays always seem to be so chaotic, so our tradition was no tradition at all, unless you count avoiding all the hustle, bustle, and rush. One thing that was tradition for her was Sunday dinner with her family. She was from a very Italian family and this was not to be missed. I went with her from early on when we started dating. After she passed, dinners continued and for a while I went as "normal." Eventually, I started not going as much, it wasn't that I didn't want to, but it started to overwhelm me and really put my emotions into a bad place. I'm still close with her family, but honestly not going as much gives me space to breathe.
I imagine how difficult those family dinners would be without her there. Good for you for taking the space to breathe and allowing those traditions to change as needed.
My husband and his friends have always gone bowling on Christmas Eve. It became a tradition to all meet up sometimes this was the only catch up all year as some moved away for university and jobs etc. Then they started to get married and have children so it developed into a family event. The first year after I lost my husband I was dreading it, seeing everyone with their families. His best friend even made a trophy ‘Bugsy’s backspin’ (his nickname) for the highest scorer in memory of him. It was hard but was for all of us and we laughed and cried together. We went again last year and will be again this year. It’s a special tradition I’ll honour even though it’s hard x
This will be my 2nd Thanksgiving and technically my 3rd Christmas (although I hardly count that first year since it was only 2 days after my husband unexpectedly passed away). Last year, I decided to start a new tradition of participating in a 5k Turkey Trot walk early in the morning. It helps to at least know how I will start my day and it gets me moving and out with people. I've signed up again for this year. I haven't exactly figured out how this Christmas will look yet. Last year, our young adult son and I took a trip since I couldn't bear the thought of being at home. I probably won't ever put up a big tree again but a tradition that I brought into our marriage from my childhood was a small table top "bubble light" tree. I will still put that up at least.
I'm still trying to figure out what holidays look like. It is starting to feel like no tradition is the tradition as each year has been different since Brad's died. I've also signed up for a turkey trot this year (my first!), so we'll see how that feels.
Where did you and your son go last year? Would you consider leaving again or was it a one time way to avoid?
We went to Solvang, CA. It actually turned into a bit of a travel nightmare since we got caught up in the SW Airlines debacle which caused unwanted anxiety. All in all, we had a good time and had some laughs along the way. Leaving last year felt necessary to survive the holidays. I think a trip this year would be more of an avoidance strategy. I'm definitely not opposed to another trip perhaps at some point, but also want to try and figure out how to cultivate a gentle and meaningful holiday at home. Your comment about "no tradition becoming a tradition" resonates and appeals to me - there's freedom in that - thanks! :-)
That makes total sense about another trip being an avoidance strategy and instead wanting to cultivate a meaningful holiday at home - I love that. And yes, the freedom in "no tradition" is a lovely way to go with the flow of how you're feeling each year!
I've kept up with the holiday traditions, Thanksgiving with my family - used to be here, but my aging parents don't make the drive anymore. We always went to Oscar's parent's on Christmas Eve, the first year I cried driving over by myself - it was only 5 months after Oscar passed and I knew wanted to be with his family for support and comfort. I've continued to go and will go again this year. Then fly to be with my family, which many times is when the fact Oscar isn't there becomes more apparent and hard. This year I'm not sure if my oldest will be able to come home for Christmas and that will make it even harder.
I love traditions, but they hard as hell to do without Oscar at times.
It's so hard when they shift. I love that you still spend Christmas Eve with Oscar's family - that feels like it must be very special (although hard I'm sure).
Holidays always seem to be so chaotic, so our tradition was no tradition at all, unless you count avoiding all the hustle, bustle, and rush. One thing that was tradition for her was Sunday dinner with her family. She was from a very Italian family and this was not to be missed. I went with her from early on when we started dating. After she passed, dinners continued and for a while I went as "normal." Eventually, I started not going as much, it wasn't that I didn't want to, but it started to overwhelm me and really put my emotions into a bad place. I'm still close with her family, but honestly not going as much gives me space to breathe.
I imagine how difficult those family dinners would be without her there. Good for you for taking the space to breathe and allowing those traditions to change as needed.
My husband and his friends have always gone bowling on Christmas Eve. It became a tradition to all meet up sometimes this was the only catch up all year as some moved away for university and jobs etc. Then they started to get married and have children so it developed into a family event. The first year after I lost my husband I was dreading it, seeing everyone with their families. His best friend even made a trophy ‘Bugsy’s backspin’ (his nickname) for the highest scorer in memory of him. It was hard but was for all of us and we laughed and cried together. We went again last year and will be again this year. It’s a special tradition I’ll honour even though it’s hard x
This is really beautiful! Such a special - and fun! - way to honor your husband.
This will be my 2nd Thanksgiving and technically my 3rd Christmas (although I hardly count that first year since it was only 2 days after my husband unexpectedly passed away). Last year, I decided to start a new tradition of participating in a 5k Turkey Trot walk early in the morning. It helps to at least know how I will start my day and it gets me moving and out with people. I've signed up again for this year. I haven't exactly figured out how this Christmas will look yet. Last year, our young adult son and I took a trip since I couldn't bear the thought of being at home. I probably won't ever put up a big tree again but a tradition that I brought into our marriage from my childhood was a small table top "bubble light" tree. I will still put that up at least.
I'm still trying to figure out what holidays look like. It is starting to feel like no tradition is the tradition as each year has been different since Brad's died. I've also signed up for a turkey trot this year (my first!), so we'll see how that feels.
Where did you and your son go last year? Would you consider leaving again or was it a one time way to avoid?
We went to Solvang, CA. It actually turned into a bit of a travel nightmare since we got caught up in the SW Airlines debacle which caused unwanted anxiety. All in all, we had a good time and had some laughs along the way. Leaving last year felt necessary to survive the holidays. I think a trip this year would be more of an avoidance strategy. I'm definitely not opposed to another trip perhaps at some point, but also want to try and figure out how to cultivate a gentle and meaningful holiday at home. Your comment about "no tradition becoming a tradition" resonates and appeals to me - there's freedom in that - thanks! :-)
That makes total sense about another trip being an avoidance strategy and instead wanting to cultivate a meaningful holiday at home - I love that. And yes, the freedom in "no tradition" is a lovely way to go with the flow of how you're feeling each year!
I've kept up with the holiday traditions, Thanksgiving with my family - used to be here, but my aging parents don't make the drive anymore. We always went to Oscar's parent's on Christmas Eve, the first year I cried driving over by myself - it was only 5 months after Oscar passed and I knew wanted to be with his family for support and comfort. I've continued to go and will go again this year. Then fly to be with my family, which many times is when the fact Oscar isn't there becomes more apparent and hard. This year I'm not sure if my oldest will be able to come home for Christmas and that will make it even harder.
I love traditions, but they hard as hell to do without Oscar at times.
XO
It's so hard when they shift. I love that you still spend Christmas Eve with Oscar's family - that feels like it must be very special (although hard I'm sure).
It sure is. I think part of what makes it feel special is I feel him with us and his youngest brother is a lot like Oscar. ❤️