It’s no surprise that one of the questions I get asked most is, “How do I support a grieving friend?” Even after all my personal experience and work in this space, it still feels like an impossible and complex question to answer (because it is).
The internet is filled with such terrible and unhelpful advice, oftentimes from “experts” with no real-life experience on the subject. The reality is, most of us are clueless about how to show up.
So let’s help each other out:
If you could give your support system a grief support manual that would help them better support you, what would you want it to include?
I think we see “keep showing up” a lot, and no one knows what that means OR maybe they think it’s too big of a commitment with no end date? Honestly, to me it could look like texts that just say “I’m thinking of you and [your deceased loved one] today,” or a regular schedule of sending a card in the mail, or even—for the love of all things holy—routinely sending DoorDash gift cards from.your.couch. It just doesn’t take much to make someone feel like you haven’t forgotten that they exist. Also, doing nothing because you’re afraid of “doing or saying the wrong thing” IS the wrong thing.
You're so right. It can feel like a lot of pressure to keep showing up FOR-EV-ER, but as you said, that can mean in the simplest ways - a text, a call, a note, a freaking meme. Anything that shows you haven't forgotten.
Offer concrete things instead of the vague “let me know if you need anything!” which I am guilty of in normal situations but have made a point to try to not do that when it comes to grief and loss. I cannot mention enough how awesome it was my friends sent me a bunch of online gift cards, groceries, and wishlist items over those first few months when walking around stores and seeing couples crushed my soul.
Having some understanding and empathy. A grieving brain does not function clearly anymore. Logic and reasoning don't have much pull, when you are filled with raw emotions.
I think we see “keep showing up” a lot, and no one knows what that means OR maybe they think it’s too big of a commitment with no end date? Honestly, to me it could look like texts that just say “I’m thinking of you and [your deceased loved one] today,” or a regular schedule of sending a card in the mail, or even—for the love of all things holy—routinely sending DoorDash gift cards from.your.couch. It just doesn’t take much to make someone feel like you haven’t forgotten that they exist. Also, doing nothing because you’re afraid of “doing or saying the wrong thing” IS the wrong thing.
You're so right. It can feel like a lot of pressure to keep showing up FOR-EV-ER, but as you said, that can mean in the simplest ways - a text, a call, a note, a freaking meme. Anything that shows you haven't forgotten.
Let them talk about their loved one who has passed away.
This one. Let them tell all the stories. And if you have stories about their loved one, share those too.
Offer concrete things instead of the vague “let me know if you need anything!” which I am guilty of in normal situations but have made a point to try to not do that when it comes to grief and loss. I cannot mention enough how awesome it was my friends sent me a bunch of online gift cards, groceries, and wishlist items over those first few months when walking around stores and seeing couples crushed my soul.
yes the tangible, concrete offer is key (and also guilty of the more generic, "let me know if you need anything!")
Having some understanding and empathy. A grieving brain does not function clearly anymore. Logic and reasoning don't have much pull, when you are filled with raw emotions.
so true 🤍