Welcome to the “Hello, From the Other Side” series, a (non)advice column from someone who's been there and (currently) lives to tell the story. This is one person’s perspective to help shed light on the grief experience and to help others feel less alone.
Please note that I am not a therapist. I don’t have any official expertise, but I do have experience. Lots and lots of experience.
Q: Do you ever get angry at people who don’t really deserve it? I’m feeling guilty and like a horrible person, but I can’t help it. - Angry at the World
A: Hello, Angry at the World -
I once yelled at a bride-to-be (at her own bachelorette party) from a bathroom stall at a bar because - in my emotion-filled and not sober mind - she was unappreciative of her soon-to-be husband. I did not know her. I did not know her husband. This was a stranger in a bar. But I was angry for no other reason than the fact that she was going to have a husband and mine was dead.
So yes, I get angry at undeserving, innocent people. And in the earlier days of grief?
All the fucking time.
I was angry at friends and family, who tried to support me, simply because they weren't Brad. I was angry at adorable old couples because they had the privilege of being old. I was angry at the newly engaged, the newly pregnant, even the newly divorced, because these were all life milestones they were experiencing in tandem.
I was angry at girlfriends who were able to go out and enjoy life without the grief of a dead husband accompanying them. I was angry at my sister for moving to Detroit because I didn't.fucking.need.help. I was angry at Brad for leaving me (talk about innocent and undeserving).
Most of all, I was angry at myself for, well, everything. For not pushing Brad to see a doctor sooner. For not being the best, most superhuman wife I could be. For not pressing the air out of the ziplock bag when putting the cheese back in the fridge like Brad always asked me to.
Anger is so, so common after loss. And, as you said, is often followed up by a whole lot of guilt.
Because that's the thing about anger - it's really good at masking all the other emotions you may be feeling, like guilt. And sadness. And loneliness. And sometimes even joy.
But anger can be vital to healing. As the fog starts to lift, the denial dissipates, and the pain of the loss sets in, anger is used to connect us back to reality - and back to our grief.
Acknowledging anger is acknowledging grief and the body keeps the score, so let that shit go.
With the exception of the poor bride in the bathroom, almost all my anger was directed at those I love. It’s not always fair (nothing about grief is), but our friends tend to become a safe place for our anger to land because we trust that they'll stick around1.
So yeah. Be angry. Throw a tantrum. Let it out.
And then apologize for being an asshole.
(To the bride I yelled at in the Flora Bama bathroom in April of 2017 - I'm very very sorry. My husband was dead. And I was angry.)
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IF YOU ARE THE FRIEND OF A GRIEVER, PLEASE HEAR ME WHEN I SAY THIS: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD AND HOLY, PLEASE STICK AROUND. YES, EVEN IF YOUR FRIEND IS A RAGING ASSHOLE WHO IS UNDESERVING OF YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.