Q: What Is It Like Dating a Widow?

Hello, From the Other Side #10

Welcome to the “Hello, From the Other Side” series, a (non)advice column from someone who's been there and (currently) lives to tell the story. This is one person’s perspective to help shed light on the grief experience and to help others feel less alone.

Please note that I am not a therapist. I don’t have any official expertise, but I do have experience. Lots and lots of experience

Q: “What Is It Like Dating a Widow?” - The entire internet

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Today’s question doesn’t come from one person, but from lots and lots and lots of people. For years, I’ve gotten DMs about what it’s like to date as a widow - and also what it’s like to date a widow. So instead of answering one question at a time, I am sharing this conversation from the Forced Joy Club resource vault.

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Dating as a widow is hard. Relationships as a widow are hard. Calling someone your boyfriend or girlfriend as a widow is hard.

All the beautiful things that come with meeting a new person - the butterflies, the new adventures, the what ifs - they all come with an added layer of guilt and sadness and confusion.

We are judged for moving on too quickly or for waiting too long. Each new milestone isn’t between just the two of us, but the three of us. We have expectations of life with one person that can’t be recreated with another. it’s an injustice that feels unfair to both our late partner and our new one.

Sometimes it feels like we have one foot in the past and one foot in the future and our feet are slipping in opposite directions and we’re just trying to stay upright.

But dating as a widow is also magical. It means more perspective. More appreciation for life. For love. For joy. It means a whole lot less bullshit.

But what about dating a widow? Is that as hard as we imagine? Are we really viewed as baggage? As people stuck in the past, unable to move on?

In this special video Q&A, I’m sharing a conversation I recorded about a year into my relationship with my partner, Nate, and close to 5 years after the death of Brad. We asked the internet for all their questions about what it’s like to date a widow and Nate was a willing participant.

Some of the Questions & Topics:

1. Were you nervous or hesitant to date a widow?

2. When should someone drop the widow bomb?

3. Is it hard to date someone who is open and vocal about their grief?

4. The double edge sword of having a dead spouse vs. having an ex - and using the widow card as a trump card in arguments

5. How much is "too much" when it comes to photos and their things around the house?

6. Do you ever feel like the grief is too much?

7. What is the reaction of friends and family when you tell them you're dating a widow?

8. What is Nate's relationship with Brad's family?

9. What would have been helpful to know in the early days of dating a widow?

10. Comparing a potential new relationship to a relationship that's lasted years.

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If you have more questions about dating a widow or what it's like dating after loss, leave them in the comments below and maybe we’ll do a part 2! And if you are a widow who is re-partnered and have opinions on any of these questions, let us know. Our collective experiences matter - this is just one perspective from one couple and I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Have a question for a future column? Ask it here.

Looking for a community of others who get it? Consider joining the Forced Joy Club.