REALLY feelin this one. People ALWAYS ask "do you have kids". Saying no feels like someone is sawing my heart in half. Saying yes but he's dead clears the room pretty darn quick. I've also gone completely rogue and said yes and pretended he was still here. That was weird but I'm always surprising myself because... I don't have a script. And also I am absolutely stuck in my grief but like, where else could I possibly be when my only child will be dead forever? Grief truly is a motherfucker.
Such simple questions with complicated answers. And for your sake (all our sakes!), I'd rather you clear a room than saw your heart in half. But I hate that those are the two options we expect.
I've also gone rogue and straight up lied. “He's traveling for work” has legit come out of my mouth before. Like you said, grief is a motherfucker.
“Small talk questions are riddled with grief bombs”. Sooo true!! And well stated!!
After Zach died I worked in systemic therapy, and i did love sitting down and using small talk/hearing peoples stories to settle them as I’d get them ready for chemo, but people also love to know about you and so if I’d ask about their families/kids… they’d ask about mine and its not fair to drop the widow bomb on someone about to get chemo, in their own hard thing so I really struggled and did all the mental gymnastics trying to figure out how to respond!! But sometimes I did answer honestly and it could be really helpful to both the patient and I to feel together in our individual hard things! Have had many beautiful conversations evolve from the sharing but its not easy to know when/how to share and it can be sooo exhausting to navigate that (multiple times a day at work!)
You're so right that it's never easy to navigate when and how to share in those situations. But you bring up a really good point that in sharing your heart, it encourages others to do the same and can lead to a beautiful, honest, real, exchange. I wonder how many people are just wishing someone would open the door and let them openly talk about their hard thing.
i suspect many people are!! but it takes courage on the part of the person opening the door and asking and inviting conversation, and so much courage and vulnerability on the part of the person who maybe needs to talk and share! (And emotional energy/capacity!!)
I moved to a new town in January, and I have decided that if it is someone I think I will be interacting with a lot (either because I instantly like them or I will see them often because of kid activities), I just sandwich it in the middle of facts when they ask me a question. For example, “What brought you to x (town)?” I respond with something like, “my daughter goes to college at x and my son wants to attend, too. My husband passed away five years ago, and I wanted our family to be together. I have found x to be such a warm and welcoming town!” This way, I have ripped off the band-aid, they don’t have to feel awkward with it being the last thing I said, and I can get a read on their level of interest/compassion by whether or not they address the huge fact I just laid bare. Hope that helps!
That's so helpful! I love this approach so much. And it puts it on the receiver to decide what to respond to (and says a lot about them depending on how they respond!).
Dana, your internal monologue is spot-on and funny as well. I struggle with this so much, even within my work, when people ask about how I ended up in my town, or inevitably ask about kids, or the absence of biological ones. The struggle to also be true to your loved one is also such an internal battle, but for me (and this is by no means an authoritative proclamation) I have a tendency to have an internal conversation with Liz, asking that she forgive my fumbling attempts to decide when and where to explain my loss. Asking for hr forgiveness, even in my own head, seems to alleviate some of my inevitable mistakes.
Chris, that makes a lot of sense. Because so much of the internal dialogue is around wanting to honor the people we lost -- I love that you just straight up ask Liz to forgive your fumbling attempts.
I found early on I would blurt it out - a. I'm a chronic oversharer b. I almost felt like it was a badge of honor. I'm not single! Someone loved me and he died!
Now it usually comes out in context. I don't feel compelled to make sure everyone knows. However, when I do tell someone I find it opens the flood gates. I want to tell them everything about Dave and how unique and wonderful he was. Sharing about him never makes me sad in the moment, it's always happy or sweet or silly memories. Unfortunately, the grief wave often times comes later when I'm alone. Grief the roller-coaster ride that never seems to end.
It's interesting how it shifts over time, right? (also, agree, don't call me single!)
I'm with you -- it makes me really happy to talk about Brad and I love when people ask about him. And yes, those grief waves still come, but also like you, in the privacy of my home later.
I laughed out loud when I got to the bacon bits part 🤣 This is SO representative of what we’re going through as a widow. Almost every little question someone new getting to know me could ask would be connected to Thom.
I’m really feeling this one and weirdly was talking about this recently with a friend. I started a new job 1 year after Thom passed and no one at this job knows me or my past. I’ve been working there for almost two years now and still : no one knows I’m a widow. At first, I really didn’t want to tell anyone and I was hoping no one would ask if I was in a relationship. And no one did. But now that time has passed, I would love for them to know that part of my life but STILL, no one has ever asked if I have a partner!
Now that I’m ready to tell someone, it feels kinda odd to drop that bomb out of nowhere after two years working there. And every question I’m asked about my life, I do That “mental gymnastics on how and when to share my story” you’re talking about.
Is it possible that they already know and that's why they aren't asking you? Maybe they feel weird and are waiting for you to bring it up? That feels like a long time to never ask if you have a partner!
If you're ready to share more, maybe come up with a script of your own to incorporate Thom. If they ask about weekend plans, maybe mention honoring Thom in some way? I don't know! But keep me posted!
REALLY feelin this one. People ALWAYS ask "do you have kids". Saying no feels like someone is sawing my heart in half. Saying yes but he's dead clears the room pretty darn quick. I've also gone completely rogue and said yes and pretended he was still here. That was weird but I'm always surprising myself because... I don't have a script. And also I am absolutely stuck in my grief but like, where else could I possibly be when my only child will be dead forever? Grief truly is a motherfucker.
Such simple questions with complicated answers. And for your sake (all our sakes!), I'd rather you clear a room than saw your heart in half. But I hate that those are the two options we expect.
I've also gone rogue and straight up lied. “He's traveling for work” has legit come out of my mouth before. Like you said, grief is a motherfucker.
Thanks so much for sharing, Christina.
“Small talk questions are riddled with grief bombs”. Sooo true!! And well stated!!
After Zach died I worked in systemic therapy, and i did love sitting down and using small talk/hearing peoples stories to settle them as I’d get them ready for chemo, but people also love to know about you and so if I’d ask about their families/kids… they’d ask about mine and its not fair to drop the widow bomb on someone about to get chemo, in their own hard thing so I really struggled and did all the mental gymnastics trying to figure out how to respond!! But sometimes I did answer honestly and it could be really helpful to both the patient and I to feel together in our individual hard things! Have had many beautiful conversations evolve from the sharing but its not easy to know when/how to share and it can be sooo exhausting to navigate that (multiple times a day at work!)
You're so right that it's never easy to navigate when and how to share in those situations. But you bring up a really good point that in sharing your heart, it encourages others to do the same and can lead to a beautiful, honest, real, exchange. I wonder how many people are just wishing someone would open the door and let them openly talk about their hard thing.
i suspect many people are!! but it takes courage on the part of the person opening the door and asking and inviting conversation, and so much courage and vulnerability on the part of the person who maybe needs to talk and share! (And emotional energy/capacity!!)
I moved to a new town in January, and I have decided that if it is someone I think I will be interacting with a lot (either because I instantly like them or I will see them often because of kid activities), I just sandwich it in the middle of facts when they ask me a question. For example, “What brought you to x (town)?” I respond with something like, “my daughter goes to college at x and my son wants to attend, too. My husband passed away five years ago, and I wanted our family to be together. I have found x to be such a warm and welcoming town!” This way, I have ripped off the band-aid, they don’t have to feel awkward with it being the last thing I said, and I can get a read on their level of interest/compassion by whether or not they address the huge fact I just laid bare. Hope that helps!
That's so helpful! I love this approach so much. And it puts it on the receiver to decide what to respond to (and says a lot about them depending on how they respond!).
Dana, your internal monologue is spot-on and funny as well. I struggle with this so much, even within my work, when people ask about how I ended up in my town, or inevitably ask about kids, or the absence of biological ones. The struggle to also be true to your loved one is also such an internal battle, but for me (and this is by no means an authoritative proclamation) I have a tendency to have an internal conversation with Liz, asking that she forgive my fumbling attempts to decide when and where to explain my loss. Asking for hr forgiveness, even in my own head, seems to alleviate some of my inevitable mistakes.
Chris, that makes a lot of sense. Because so much of the internal dialogue is around wanting to honor the people we lost -- I love that you just straight up ask Liz to forgive your fumbling attempts.
I found early on I would blurt it out - a. I'm a chronic oversharer b. I almost felt like it was a badge of honor. I'm not single! Someone loved me and he died!
Now it usually comes out in context. I don't feel compelled to make sure everyone knows. However, when I do tell someone I find it opens the flood gates. I want to tell them everything about Dave and how unique and wonderful he was. Sharing about him never makes me sad in the moment, it's always happy or sweet or silly memories. Unfortunately, the grief wave often times comes later when I'm alone. Grief the roller-coaster ride that never seems to end.
It's interesting how it shifts over time, right? (also, agree, don't call me single!)
I'm with you -- it makes me really happy to talk about Brad and I love when people ask about him. And yes, those grief waves still come, but also like you, in the privacy of my home later.
Thanks for sharing Angie!
I laughed out loud when I got to the bacon bits part 🤣 This is SO representative of what we’re going through as a widow. Almost every little question someone new getting to know me could ask would be connected to Thom.
I’m really feeling this one and weirdly was talking about this recently with a friend. I started a new job 1 year after Thom passed and no one at this job knows me or my past. I’ve been working there for almost two years now and still : no one knows I’m a widow. At first, I really didn’t want to tell anyone and I was hoping no one would ask if I was in a relationship. And no one did. But now that time has passed, I would love for them to know that part of my life but STILL, no one has ever asked if I have a partner!
Now that I’m ready to tell someone, it feels kinda odd to drop that bomb out of nowhere after two years working there. And every question I’m asked about my life, I do That “mental gymnastics on how and when to share my story” you’re talking about.
Is it possible that they already know and that's why they aren't asking you? Maybe they feel weird and are waiting for you to bring it up? That feels like a long time to never ask if you have a partner!
If you're ready to share more, maybe come up with a script of your own to incorporate Thom. If they ask about weekend plans, maybe mention honoring Thom in some way? I don't know! But keep me posted!