Ultimate Grief Gift Guide

Created FOR Grievers BY Grievers

beware of flowers…

How do you buy a gift for someone who just lost the love of their life? Or a parent who lost a child? Or for someone recently diagnosed with cancer?

You shift the focus of the gift.

You don’t send a gift with the intention of eliminating their grief (you can’t). You send it as a way to say, “I acknowledge what you’re going through, this totally sucks, and I’m here.”

Sure, getting a Thundercat figurine in the mail when I was diagnosed with cancer may not outwardly scream, “I’m here for you,” but to me, it was thoughtful, personal, and made me laugh.

When Brad died, many people around me felt completely paralyzed on how to help, especially during the holidays. The spectacular people showed up. They sat with me, cried with me, laughed with me, and broke shit with me. But not everyone can physically be there (nor did I want or need everyone to physically be there). And for those times, sending a little gift is a nice way to say, “I’m thinking of you.”

None of these items will fix their problems or rid them of their grief (nothing will do those things), but hopefully, they will bring a little dose of joy and some understanding from someone else who's been there. And if you want to make it more personal (which trust me, you do), include a little note, some photographs, or a poem or quote that makes you think of the receiver (and their loved one).

Want some concrete ideas?

Here is a list straight from the mouths of grievers of the best (and later, the worst) gifts they received. Thank you to everyone who contributed!

Best Grief Gifts: Food & Drinks

• Grub hub, doordash, uber eats, or seamless gift cards

• Freshly meals

• Wine delivery

• My mom cooks homemade meals every week for me, even 15 months later

• Groceries

• Meal drop-offs

• Fancy coffee pot

• Home chef subscription

• A colleague left soup and bread on my doorstep. No visit. Just nourishment.

• Freezer meals

• Friends who will meal prep for me

• Meal train

• Spoonful of Comfort gift basket (premade soup, rolls, cookies, and even comfy socks)

• Friends buying me coffee out of the blue

• Chinese food

• A friend bringing food over to eat with me

• A box of fancy donuts

• A subscription to a sourdough delivery service

• Curbside drop-offs of rice crispy treats

• Freshly caught salmon from a neighbor 

• Fruit snack basket - when I needed to eat more than vodka

Best Grief Gifts: Ways to Honor and Remember Them

• Book of Stories to help remember all the memories (or other written memories)

• A photo of my husband - or a photo with him in it - that I’ve never seen

• Photoshoot for my mom and me when she was put on hospice and only had a few weeks left

• Three volumes of a “book” with every single social media post she ever made/wrote/posted

• Screenshots of all my messages about my husband when we started dating

• A former classroom parent scoured my Facebook photos and made photo books for the kids. Each one is different and my kids love their unique “daddy books.”

• Stories and memories

• A dedicated star in my mom’s name

• Cremation jewelry

• Cards that included stories of my husband

• Friends gave me a locket with a picture of my late wife in it

• Personalized recipe box to hold mom’s recipes and collect more family dishes

• A nightlight that is a picture of my husband - it makes me feel safe at night

• A friend made me a silver ring with my partner’s name written inside

• Ornament with a wooden silhouette from a picture of us

Best Grief Gifts: Quality Time

• A friend coming to spend a WHOLE weekend. Not having an evening alone was a gift.

• Taking my kids and me out to do something fun

• Company - no conversation needed. Just someone to come sit with me, watch tv, go for a walk, etc.

• Time to talk about everything I’m feeling, without judgment 

• Genuine invitations to holiday events without expectations

• My best friend flew into town and cooked for me, cried on the couch with me, etc.

• Calls and messages checking in

• My two best friends showed up two days after my cancer diagnosis

• Friends who celebrated my kid’s birthdays after their dad died

• The invitation to talk for however long you need

• People traveling with me even though they knew I wouldn’t be the best company

• Friendship, love, and being available to just sit and be.

• Hugs

Best Grief Gifts: Acts of Service

• An organizing service for when I was ready to tackle the closet/his stuff/the home

• Take my kids for an overnight so I can be home alone

• Someone to come purge the cupboards

• House cleaning has done more to support my mental health than anything else

• A night nurse when I was postpartum as a first-time mom

• Window washer

• My 75-year-old neighbor snowplowing my sidewalk at 6am

• Snow clearing. His friends have paid for it every year since - this will be year 5!

• Offering to walk my dog for me. I was so exhausted all the time so this was such a meaningful gift.

Best Grief Gifts: Self Care

• 10 classes at a nearby yoga studio

• The coziest blanket you can find

• Basket of self-care products I already use - face wash, moisturizer, etc.

• A homemade blanket. I have used it every day for two and a half years.

• Massage

• Weighted blanket

• Lavender-scented microwaveable heated neck wrap

• Body pillow (especially for the newly widowed)

• Bottled water to replenish fluids lost through tears

• Reiki session

• Soft and cozy blanket or sweater (the Barefoot Dreams brand is expensive but lovely)

• An electric blanket

• A nice smelling candle

• I received a really nice throw from a coworker. It was cozy and not laced with memories. 

•  A care package with tea, healthy snacks, face masks, etc.

• A journal - writing helped a lot, especially in those first few months

• Cozy sweatshirts/fleece - it was nice to have something new when I wasn’t up for shopping.

• For someone with a cancer diagnosis, make a chemo kit.

Best Grief Gifts: From Afar

• Check-in in months later - and repeatedly

• Cards with stamps for notes/thank you notes (*Dana’s note to all gift givers: please remove any expectation of receiving a thank you note*)

• Smash kit

• A sympathy card a year and a half later, just before the holidays. I felt seen.

• Year of Magical Thinking book by Joan Didion 

• A kit of paper plates, napkins, etc. It was boxed all cute with a note saying don’t do dishes.

• Space to hibernate and be alone (followed up by regular texts to check in)

• Mai Lin Jewelry - she makes simple little meaningful bracelets

• A shared playlist on Spotify to lift my spirits (and allows me to add my favorite jams too)

• Retreat or vacation with others who understand what I’m going through

Best Grief Gifts: Gift at Your Own Risk

(These gifts, while loved by many, also ended up on the “worst” gift list more than any other item…)

• Plant - my dad died 12 years ago and I still have two plants from that time

• I got a peace lily when my mom died. She loved plants and it’s still alive 12 years later

• Flowers to cheer me up

• I have a collection of plants and taking care of them (or trying!) was helpful. It was a good distraction and I saw it as a sign that the people who gave them to me, really had me in mind - I don’t think they would have given plants if they knew I wasn’t a plant lady. It’s nice that people remember things about you and factor them in, especially during difficult times. Intentionality matters - it means the world, actually.

And in case you are looking for what NOT to give, here is what the community says are the WORST gifts to give a griever

Keep in mind that some of the “worst” gifts are in the “best” gifts category and vice versa. Grief is unique and different for each person! Take what’s helpful from this list and leave the rest.

• Please don’t give a plant to a griever - I didn’t have the energy to take care of it.

• A personalized pillowcase using my Facebook photos without giving me any warning

• Decisions. “Let me know if you need anything!” 

• A card detailing how their loss is exactly like yours and they know exactly how you feel

• Empty words and promises

• Books and blank journals

• A book with “steps” on how to heal or grieve

• Flowers

• So many gave me gifts with cardinals on it. My late husband hated birds.

• Bonsai tree

• Someone gave me a backscratcher (like you lost your husband, this will help)

• Quiche - my son and I got 4!

• A tree to plant in your yard - hard decision of where to put it AND I have to keep it alive

• Religious things. It felt creepy and pushy and preachy.

• Food that wouldn’t be eaten

• A plant that immediately died and felt like it was a sign that everything in my life dies

• Heavy food - I could barely eat and so much went bad

• Too many edible arrangements

• A tree - shipped to my house, so then I had to go out and dig a hole!

• Lasagna - you just get so many.

• A gift card that doesn’t cover the full cost of something. I feel guilty if I don’t use it, but I have to pay extra.

• A bare-rooted rose plant when I could barely look after myself and the kids. It died.

• Anything that talks about your angel watching over you (if the griever is not religious)

• Anything that requires a second step, any extra effort, appointment making, or special care

• Trees to plant - I can barely care for myself, let alone a tree to plant

• Making the loss about them and their grief

• Grief books - grief brains can’t read

• My Mother-in-Law sent me a bracelet for my husband’s one-year FUNERAL anniversary. WTF.

• Pasta, pasta, lasagna, pasta, pasta, extra lasagna, more pasta

• “I’m sorry for your loss” cards

• A gift the giver expects a huge response or praise for

• Cold fast food dinner (true story)

• Insisting on visiting/popping in. While it’s great to have support, it can cross boundaries too.

• Gifts for kids that require assembly

• A book (or anything) filled with toxic positivity 

• Orchid - the most high-maintenance flower ever

• Vouchers - I found it super stressful to have to go to specific places to use them

• Never saying anything

• A book about divorce loss. He died. We didn’t divorce.

• Wind chimes - I got 7 of them and I hate them. 

• Gift cards felt absurd to me

• A weird fruit basket

• The phrase “everything happens for a reason”

• Guilt from family members who don’t understand

• Candles - so many candles

• Generic cards

• Something Jesusy or Christian affirmations for grief

• Religious items if you don’t know their faith

• My cousin/landlord did renovations above me from 9pm-1am for a week after my mom died and told me it was ok because I didn’t sleep much when my mom was in hospice

• Empty and non-specific  promises to help

• Flowers

• Someone telling you over and over how hard this is FOR THEM

• 6 boxes of cookies. Like thank you, but my mom just died, I’m not hungry for 36 cookies.

• Broken promises about getting together and spending time with my kids and me

• Anything people were looking for “credit” for

• Pampering gifts early on (three years later, I’m only just starting to use them a little)

• White flowers or lilies scream death. If you must give flowers, go for color.

• Hurtful things people say (thinking they are helping)

• Books they haven’t actually read about “choosing joy”

I hope this list is helpful for the next time you’re looking for ways to support someone grieving (and as an alternative to saying, “let me know if you need anything!”).

Does this list resonate? Anything you would add? Share in the comments below!

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