Whenever I’m sad, my sister, in a state of desperation, asks, “What can I buy you?!” (Is it clear her love language is gift-giving?). It’s become somewhat of an ongoing joke, but it stems from the very real fact that when someone is grieving, we have no idea what to do - or what to buy (and as anyone who watches The Office knows, “presents are the best way to show someone how much you care”).
We all want to fix “the problem” (the problem being grief, which, sorry to say, is 1. not a problem and 2. unfixable) and unfortunately, there isn’t a gift that’s going to do that. There are, however, gifts that can help make a person feel better, or remove some of the burden or a loss, or bring a little extra joy during a really shitty time.
So let’s start a conversation and compile a list: what is the greatest gift for a griever?
This can be something you received, something you gave, or something you wish someone had given you. If it's a product, share the link. If it's an act of service, maybe explain why it was so helpful.
Let's use our experiences to help grief supporters (and therefore, grievers), who will one day inevitably ask, "What can I do for you?" (or, if you’re like my sister, “what can I buy you?”).
1. When Brad was diagnosed, the best gift someone sent us was a pair of inflatable boxing gloves and inflatable sumo wrestling suits. Neither got used, but the immense laughter and joy that came from opening them up was so good for us. It stood out among the stack of thoughtful, but overly serious, hallmark cards.
2. Book of Stories (blatant and unapologetic plug), which was created because I 100% believe that sharing stories about our loved ones is one of the greatest gifts you can give. And when those memories fade, everyone will be glad to have a book filled with them. Learn more: www.forcedjoyproject.com/book-of-stories-intro
3. After Brad died, it was the people who showed up and let me be me - they sat in the kitchen while I napped or let me cry or rage or laugh. I'm sure they were uncomfortable and didn't know what to say, but they showed up anyway. It was a gift.
A group of friends pooled money and got me a gift card to my local grocery store with a huge balance. I was able to easily get food items or even prepped meals for a couple months straight and as well as stuff for my kitties.
This is a great one - anything to help us stay nourished. I think gift card for delivery services, like door dash or uber eats are great too (for those times you dread going to the store).
Chores. Especially yard work. Just please show up and cut the grass. Lay mulch. Trim hedges. Shovel snow. My new neighbor, who only met my husband once before he died, wiped the snow of my windshield and I nearly cried.
This! We haven’t had a good snow since 2019/2020, but in those years after my husband passed any time it snowed enough one of my neighbors would push his snowplow down the block and take care of my driveway before I even got out of bed. It meant so much and as the house with the longest driveway it saved me tons of time!
Such a gift! When my dad was sick, I had someone that would come over and do this occasionally - it was such a help when the last thing I had the capacity for was digging myself out of the driveway to get to his appointments.
Early on after losing T, I wasn't sleeping and when I did, it was often on the couch as sleeping in our own bed was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my day. One night, a dear (female) friend called me and said, "Hey, I'm not sleeping. Can we have a sleepover?" Now, honestly, I don't know if she was struggling or not, but her presence allowed me to get a good night's sleep in bed.
For practical items, I was given a weighted blanket and a lavender scented wrap that you can heat in the microwave. I use both to this day (2 years later) for comfort and stress reduction.
Such a lovely gesture - and a great idea. I wonder if she knew how much that suggestion meant (and that you probably weren't sleeping). I had a couple friends just come hang out and talk in my living room while I slept. I needed the comfort of people but didn't have anything left to give in terms of socializing. It was such a gift.
I'll start:
1. When Brad was diagnosed, the best gift someone sent us was a pair of inflatable boxing gloves and inflatable sumo wrestling suits. Neither got used, but the immense laughter and joy that came from opening them up was so good for us. It stood out among the stack of thoughtful, but overly serious, hallmark cards.
2. Book of Stories (blatant and unapologetic plug), which was created because I 100% believe that sharing stories about our loved ones is one of the greatest gifts you can give. And when those memories fade, everyone will be glad to have a book filled with them. Learn more: www.forcedjoyproject.com/book-of-stories-intro
3. After Brad died, it was the people who showed up and let me be me - they sat in the kitchen while I napped or let me cry or rage or laugh. I'm sure they were uncomfortable and didn't know what to say, but they showed up anyway. It was a gift.
A group of friends pooled money and got me a gift card to my local grocery store with a huge balance. I was able to easily get food items or even prepped meals for a couple months straight and as well as stuff for my kitties.
This is a great one - anything to help us stay nourished. I think gift card for delivery services, like door dash or uber eats are great too (for those times you dread going to the store).
Chores. Especially yard work. Just please show up and cut the grass. Lay mulch. Trim hedges. Shovel snow. My new neighbor, who only met my husband once before he died, wiped the snow of my windshield and I nearly cried.
This! We haven’t had a good snow since 2019/2020, but in those years after my husband passed any time it snowed enough one of my neighbors would push his snowplow down the block and take care of my driveway before I even got out of bed. It meant so much and as the house with the longest driveway it saved me tons of time!
Such a gift! When my dad was sick, I had someone that would come over and do this occasionally - it was such a help when the last thing I had the capacity for was digging myself out of the driveway to get to his appointments.
This is so huge! And also a way to support without feeling like you're intruding on someone. Your neighbor is a gem.
Early on after losing T, I wasn't sleeping and when I did, it was often on the couch as sleeping in our own bed was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my day. One night, a dear (female) friend called me and said, "Hey, I'm not sleeping. Can we have a sleepover?" Now, honestly, I don't know if she was struggling or not, but her presence allowed me to get a good night's sleep in bed.
For practical items, I was given a weighted blanket and a lavender scented wrap that you can heat in the microwave. I use both to this day (2 years later) for comfort and stress reduction.
Such a lovely gesture - and a great idea. I wonder if she knew how much that suggestion meant (and that you probably weren't sleeping). I had a couple friends just come hang out and talk in my living room while I slept. I needed the comfort of people but didn't have anything left to give in terms of socializing. It was such a gift.