Q: How often do we - or should we - think about our dead people?
Hello, From the Other Side #9
Welcome to the “Hello, From the Other Side” series, a (non)advice column from someone who's been there and (currently) lives to tell the story. This is one person’s perspective to help shed light on the grief experience and to help others feel less alone.
Please note that I am not a therapist. I don’t have any official expertise, but I do have experience. Lots and lots of experience
Q: “Do you think about Brad every day?” - Dana B, real-life friend
This "hello" segment is a little different because this question didn't come from an anonymous stranger on the internet, but from a friend, in real life, amid a very real conversation about our dead people and the varied role of their death on our family dynamics.
"Do you think about Brad every day?" Dana asked. "I don't think about my mom every day," she admitted.
The question sat between us as we both silently reflected on our relationships with our dead people and how much mental space they occupy.
Dana’s mom died in 2016, a year before Brad. I wondered when she stopped thinking about her mom daily and if there was a “correct” or maybe acceptable timeline when she moved her to a less prominent place in her brain.
For me, I didn't hesitate with my answer. I knew. I thought about Brad every day.
That’s 2,691 consecutive days of memories, thoughts, and anecdotes.
But then I wondered, how much of that is because of the work I do, which is so centered around Brad, his death, and my life in the aftermath?
Do most people think about the dead this often?
So much of my business is created because of the impact of Brad dying. But what if that weren't the case? What if I had an ordinary job, where I went to an office and clicked on my mouse all day, and then went home to watch Netflix? Or read books that weren't centered around grief? What if my Zoom calls weren't talking with experts on ways to navigate grief? What if each day I wasn't reading stories commemorating the loved ones of strangers, all desperately trying to hold on to the people they lost?
How long would it be before a day went by when I didn't think about Brad? And when I did remember, how would I handle the guilt that would inevitably follow? Would I feel sorrow in the fact that I forgot or strength in the fact that I could?
When Dana told me she didn’t think about her mom every day, I thought about all the ways she honors her life and her memory - how ingrained her mother is in who she is and how she approaches the world.
The quantity of thoughts doesn’t dictate the quality of their impact.
There comes a point where it should be ok not to think about them daily. It doesn't mean we miss them less, love them less, or grieve them less (or maybe it does?).
When this happens, should we feel guilty? Sad? Shameful?
Is it possible to walk towards the future without stepping away from the past?
I don't know.
But if I get there, I'll let you know.
And until then, I'd love to know your thoughts. Let us know in the comments how long it's been since a loved one died and how often you think about them.
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Lance died almost 2 years ago now and not a day goes by that I don’t think about him, multiple times per day actually. I work in a non-grief job related job as well and agree that the loss of my husband, the most important person in the world to me, certainly affected me differently than the deaths of other close family members. Their death was impactful, gut wrenching, and certainly changed my life but losing my spouse changed every second of my future for the rest of my life. It changed how I go to bed, how I make coffee, how I grocery shop or cook, my hopes and dreams, my outlook on life, it changes everything. The other losses certainly change moments, events, holidays, etc but the minute to minute doesn’t change in their absence. I hope I think about him every day, multiple times per day, for the rest of my life.
I'm like you Dana, I think of Oscar daily, multiple times a day. And I do go to a regular non-grief related job. He may not be the first thing I think about every morning, but he's still the last thought as I go to sleep.
I also don't know when I stopped thinking about my grandparents that I've lost every day, or my aunt and uncle.
I think maybe it has to do with when someone is an integral part of our daily life maybe we tend to think of them more often and longer - the empty hole where they used to be is much more noticeable.